Last Updated on September 16, 2022 by Natalie
“Len Adler, M.D., one of the leading researchers in adult ADHD and a professor of psychiatry at New York University, believes that at least 75 percent of adults who have ADHD do not know that they have it.” ADDitude Magazine
Boys are twice as likely to be diagnosed with ADHD. Not because they are more likely to have it but because they have a tendency to show signs of hyperactivity, which is easier to spot than inattentiveness. Undiagnosed girls grow into undiagnosed women with ADHD and the challenges that come with it intensify during motherhood.
Since I was a child in elementary school, I’ve believed I have ADD. I also strongly believe my mom has it. It feels odd to say “I believe” because it’s something we know to be true. Without a diagnosis my mom has been successful. She has her own company and she’s super creative. Sure, she burns dinner because she got distracted with something else and yes, on the days she had pickup duty I’d be the last kid at school because she would forget she was supposed to pick me up that day.
I also did well enough in school when I cared to. I was an honor roll student throughout high school and then, when I opted to go to Miami Dade College instead of Florida International University in a failed attempt to force me to go away for college after 2 years, I was in the Honors College.
But I have a hard time staying present in conversations that I lose interest in. This was a huge struggle in client meetings. I would absently nod to feign attention and fake laugh when anyone else did. Meanwhile, in my head “Focus, Natalie. Focus.” And so I’d stop in on the conversation before checking out again 2 minutes later wondering what my dogs are doing at home.
I often feel scatterbrained. There are so many ideas and I’m thinking of a new one before I can take steps for the last. I can’t retain the ideas that swirl around in the tornado in my brain. Everything needs to be written down and I put reminders in my calendar.
Oh and I ramble. I have just gotten off track.
After having my son, I didn’t immediately notice any differences. Then when he was about 2 I started to feel really frustrated with myself. I was so unproductive. The house is always a mess. In my defense, doing anything else while taking care of a child is hard. I am so inspired to organize but I make a bigger mess that I can’t dig myself out of. And I felt blocked. Like I needed a creative outlet to express this angst inside me. I’d try to make a plan but I was paralyzed by indecision. So many thoughts and I move on too fast.
More recently is when I remembered my suspicions about ADD. I have lived this way for 39 years now so it’s not top of mind. And I wondered if maybe it can be related to my feelings of frustration.
It’s important to me to be purposeful during this time that I have at home with my son. I stopped working so I can be home with him and teach him, enjoy him and keep him stimulated. To sustain this life, I also need to provide some financial relief for my husband so we don’t struggle and can afford nice experiences for our son. And since we need to minimize money going out, rather than pay someone to help with the house right now, I need to be productive and hopefully somewhat organized there, too. And then if there is any time left over, maybe I can focus on a hobby or something I can feel I’m good at.
If I have ADHD, knowing it can help me take steps to achieve my goals.
I took the opportunity to interview Sussan Nwogwugwu, a Nurse Practitioner at Done, a telehealth provider that diagnoses and treats ADHD. Following is what I learned.
Can I have ADHD if I’m Not Hyper?
Back in the day, ADD was one thing and ADHD was another. Simply put, ADHD was attention deficit disorder with hyperactivity mixed in. Now, ADD is a term of the past. They are both considered ADHD. So, contrary to what I believed, you can have ADHD even if you’re not hyperactive.
Is that ADHD or Motherhood?
What are symptoms of ADHD that may be confused for being a normal part of being a mom who manages family and home?
Parenting is a rewarding and demanding role. Parents with ADHD face additional challenges. ADHD shows up differently for everyone. Some possible ways it can appear include:
- Inattentiveness, of course
- Anxiety and/or Depression
- Anger (Mom rage, anyone?)
- Lack of time management skills. Have you missed or been late to appointments?
- Lack of planning. Deciding what to do as the day goes along or maybe even waking up early to plan the day.
- Emotional dysregulation. Overreacting to small challenges.
- Impulsivity. Not thinking things through before you speak or act.
- Short term memory loss. Why can’t I remember anything?
- Frustration. Having a low tolerance for frustrating experiences. 🙋♀️
Check out other signs of inattentiveness and hyperactivity in adults here. I am surprised that I actually do check off some signs of hyperactivity such as fidgeting with hands and feet.
Benefits of ADHD Treatment for Moms
Does it make sense to treat ADHD if you’re a stay at home mom who doesn’t work or go to school? Absolutely.
Getting your ADHD under control helps you in reaching your goals. Whether you are trying to start a business, complete a project or even help your children in their endeavors. It removes some of the challenges from your daily life and allows you to function better.
ADHD also makes it hard to relax. With a never-quiet mind, you won’t find peace in your brain noodle. Is that called a mother’s load? Where you manage the house and everyone who lives in it? Perhaps. Or is it ADHD?
Aside from that, it affects relationships with people. Oh, yes 👏 it 👏 does 👏. In addition to my suspected ADHD, my husband is very diagnosed with ADHD, thank you. So all of the symptoms I covered above are ever present in our day to day. And there’s more!
How Does Adult ADHD Affect Relationships?
Communication: Adult ADHD affects how one communicates with their partner. It may cause you to zone out or not pick up on non-verbal cues. You may miss something you agreed to or are expected to do.
Feeling Undervalued: It takes your attention from your partner and may make them feel less important. Maybe you’re hyper focused on things other people consider unimportant. Or have your face buried in your smartphone…a lot. This can make your partner feel like they always need to compete with whatever has a grasp on your attention. A common result of this is that your partner feels you aren’t being responsive to their needs and you don’t care for them.
Pulling Your Weight: Having adult ADHD may also cause one to skip chores and not complete projects. It feels like they are doing the bare minimum.
Stress: And here is the real kicker (for me, anyway), the partner of someone with adult ADHD may often feel like they’re walking on eggshells due to their irritability. I know I feel this way often with my husband. And he says he feels it with me (but that’s not true). You may invest quite a bit of effort anticipating your partner’s response to everything you do and feel like you are “always doing something wrong.” – my husband
For the partner of someone with ADHD, it is hard to not take all of these things personally. It can feel purposeful. This interview helped refresh my perspective and reminded me that my husband isn’t a lazy, evil deadbeat. He means no ill will. But it’s rough, bruh!
What is an Easy Way to Get Screened for Adult ADHD?
A clinical psychologist, psychiatrist, neurologist, clinical social worker or another type of physician may diagnose ADHD in adults.
But if you’re anything like me, you’re gonna leave that on the “when I have time” list that you never get to. Working or stay at home moms want a trusted but hassle-free way to get screened for adult ADHD. One that doesn’t require us to find a babysitter or take time off of work. Aint nobody got time for that.
A quick Google search will show you that there are different telehealth providers that will assess, diagnose and treat people for ADHD.
Sussan shared that Done gives access to an online consultation as well as personalized treatment plans and management of adult ADHD. It’s a membership-based website so, in other words, patients will pay a monthly fee during treatment.
Is ADHD Medication Safe to Take While Breastfeeding or TTC?
Pregnancy is such a delicate state. There is not a lot of research on stimulants in ADHD medication while breastfeeding or pregnant so it’s best to avoid ADHD medication, if possible. Otherwise, have your OB/GYN and mental health provider collaborate and create a plan for you.
I am still breastfeeding and TTC so ADHD medication isn’t in the cards for me right now.
What Are Some Alternatives to Medication for ADHD?
Talk therapy or an ADHD coach are some medication-free methods to help you cope with adult ADHD.
Do you suspect you have ADHD? Or did you get diagnosed with adult ADHD? How did it change your life? Comment below.
