Last Updated on October 2, 2023 by Natalie

Thursday, Sept 30th – 8 weeks

“Is it okay if I take video?” My husband asked the ultrasound tech as she started doing her thing. “Ummm, not yet,” she said. 

My 2.5 year old was sitting in a chair beside me watching Disney+ on the phone.

I couldn’t see the ultrasound screen–which was irritating. That was not what I was accustomed to. My former OB/GYN’s office had the screen tilted towards me so the technician looked along with me. So since i couldn’t see a screen, I just studied the technician’s face. I noticed her eyebrows bunch up together in the middle a couple of times. Eventually she said, “the baby is measuring 6 weeks.”

Huh. That’s…curious.

I was supposed to be 8 weeks. No doubt about it. I was tracking my ovulation and I knew what day I conceived. After trying for a year to get pregnant with my toddler son, I was not expecting to get pregnant the first time we tried. But we did! How smooth was this??!!  I got my first positive pregnancy test 1 day before my missed period (so at 3 weeks and 6 days pregnant). I got really, unexpectedly lucky.

She handed me my strip of photos from the ultrasound and off I went back to the waiting room to wait to meet with the Dr. My toddler was getting restless so my husband took him outside to entertain him while I sat and waited.

I took a picture of the picture and sent it to my family on our group chat. The word “BABY!!” with the arrow pointing made me feel that surely there was no reason for alarm.

Meeting with the Doctor

When I met with the Dr. (husband and toddler in tow) she told me that the baby measuring 2 weeks smaller can be 1 of 2 things: 

1. Some babies sort of lag at the beginning but can catch up a little later
2. The baby stopped growing at some point and this wouldn’t be a viable pregnancy. 

She said that in her experience seeing a baby measuring 2 weeks behind at 8 weeks with a heartbeat, it’s usually the former. The baby had a heart rate of 90 bpm, which was comforting. Consistent with a 6 week embryo. We tested my HCG and progesterone levels and then scheduled another ultrasound on Monday (4 days later). 

The Car Ride Home

As we left, my husband was encouraged by her words.  “OK, so that sounds good,” he said to me sounding upbeat. You sweet, unsuspecting buffoon. He maintained this positive attitude based on the explanation that some babies just need time to catch up. 

I made calls to my family members on the ride home. What a bad phone call tour it was. I struggled not to cry because quite honestly, I felt bad for myself. I knew my family probably didn’t know what to make of what I was thinking.

At Home

My lab results were in my inbox that evening. My HCG value was 71,924 but doesn’t really mean much as a stand alone number and the progesterone was 16.4 (in the first trimester, progesterone should be 11.2 to 90 ng/ml). 

At 11:00pm that night, I received a call from my Dr. I paused Housewives and left the room to take the call. My Dr. reviewed my lab results and wanted me to take a progesterone supplement that she already called into the pharmacy. Twice a day beginning ASAP. It wasn’t frighteningly low, but not as high as she’d like to see it. I asked questions.

“Will progesterone be forcing a nonviable pregnancy to stick?”

“How could my days be off when I got my BFP (big fat positive) so early?”

She spoke to me for 10 minutes without rushing me and I was so touched by this degree of attention I had never received from any doctor. More about how this developed in my next post. Spoiler alert: it took a bad turn.

What’s Going on in my Head

I spent the weekend quietly fretting, wondering and preparing for the worst. I felt bad for the tiny little spot on my ultrasound. Since it wasn’t exactly a baby yet, I felt like it was was tiny defenseless animal. And it was dying. But also, in the 4 weeks that I had known I was pregnant, I spent a lot of brain time envisioning and planning.

Was it a boy or a girl? It was a girl, I thought. I imagined my advancing pregnancy and my growing belly alongside my beloved toddler. Imagined pieces of the rest of my pregnancy. I had mourned the relationship I currently have with my toddler as an only child. How can I not be there for my prince every time he needs or wants me? I imagined the nurse placing a baby girl on my chest after delivery. The feeling of not being able to imagine life without her (or him) and easing all the aforementioned anxiety. I was planning on making sure I got all the skin to skin I wanted this time! What would my day-to-day look like with a baby and a toddler? When should I order the add-on to turn my Uppababy Vista into a double stroller? How will I bedshare with two? I guess I can put a sidecar crib by my bed. Maybe.

My grief wasn’t about a great attachment to my little baby but for all the plans I had started to sketch in my head. Now, I was visualizing it being erased ✏.

Monday, October 4 – 8 weeks and 4 days

The following Monday, I took my mom with me to my appointment. The ultrasound showed the baby grew by 1 day in the 4 days. They did another HCG test and we made a third ultrasound appointment for Thursday. This was not looking like it was going to be a viable pregnancy. We discussed my options of how I could choose to miscarry: Naturally or a D&C. That evening my HCG results showed it was 78,162–still rising. But according to the Dr., they weren’t rising as high as they could be. Progesterone was now 23.

That night, I laid in bed and realized I had been so fixated on the likelihood that the baby wouldn’t be, that I was missing these last moments when she/he was actually still here with me. I put my hand on my stomach as the first interaction with the baby throughout this ordeal the past 7 days and I cried. I felt guilty. There were all the moments after the heart stops beating to live in the after. This was my only opportunity to live in the before and I almost missed it.

Wednesday, October 6 – 8 weeks 6 days

After some persistence from my husband, I began looking into a possible second opinion. I was doing it for him.  There was no doubt it was exactly as it was being told to me. I felt physically better today than I had in a while. A little bit of a headache but less nausea and much more energy. I was able to fold laundry for the first time in days. As I was obtaining my records to share with another OB, I saw in the notes that the heart rate was not still 90 bpm, as the doctor told me in my last visit. It was 71 bpm. I called the new (second opinion) OB/GYN and let them know I didn’t think I would need to go in after all. 

Thursday, October 7 – 9 weeks

I went in for my final ultrasound. As I suspected, no heartbeat was detected. “I’m sorry,” the Dr. told me. I said “I would’ve been surprised to hear anything different. I was mentally prepared for this.” Then I began to cry and she hugged me. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I was fine but then sometimes, out of nowhere, I felt bad.

And sometimes, I felt scared. After reading about people’s experiences and discussing with my mom, sister and cousin (who have all gone through miscarriages in different ways), I chose to go with a D&C. I was terrified.

Because I chose a D&C, I needed to continue taking progesterone twice a day to keep me from miscarrying naturally. I was scared because I knew they were going to need to put an IV in me, which I am extremely squeamish about. And then, I was scared of not being there when my toddler woke up in the morning and about how he would react. Would he even be able to sleep once I leave? For the whole 2.5 years of his life, I’ve slept by his side every night and been the first person he sees when he opens his eyes in the morning.

After the Heart Stopped

On Saturday, October 9th, I was surprised to find that I was very nauseous and dry heaving in the evening. The evening after that, I actually vomited for the first time. The nausea was intensifying even though the pregnancy wasn’t advancing.

I felt extremely awkward about the fact that I was going through the weekend with a lifeless embryo inside of me. I’ve never felt so much like a vessel in my life.

On Tuesday, October 12th, I had my D&C procedure.

Part 2: My D&C Procedure for a Miscarriage is all about that.