Last Updated on April 10, 2022 by Natalie
When I first heard of a bandaid baby, I didn’t have any children. Even still, I wondered, “How the…?”
In case you don’t already know, a bandaid baby is a baby conceived with hopes of fixing a marriage or relationship.
The past 15 months since my precious prince was born have been the heaviest and most challenging that my 12 year relationship/6 year marriage has ever experienced.
My Confession
In December, we went to couples therapy for the first time. We went only about 4 times before we fell off due to scheduling challenges and then coronavirus happened.
My husband is a good person–a great one–and I love him very much.
But we’ve built up a collection of resentments, buried feelings and kept score, poisoning our relationship to a point where we need help to dig ourselves out.
One thing I can’t deny is that my husband is totally obsessed and in love with our baby boy. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for him. I’m so grateful that I co-parent with such an amazing father.
Admitting that your relationship isn’t thriving is something people don’t want to volunteer on social media. You don’t want to invite judgement about your relationship or betray your partner by complaining about them publicly.
I even feel guilty for this post!
The truth is, it isn’t anyone else’s business.
But the person watching from behind their screen, where they are experiencing similar, normal challenges, may feel a little better and like maybe they’re marriage is not doomed. Like maybe they’re not married to a monster or maybe they’re not an unreasonable brat.
Sadly, we usually see a lot of the same kinds of couples on social media and they’re not venting about their relatable frustrations (Why DOES my house look like a dirty sock graveyard?).
Couples You See On Social Media
1. Killing-It Couples
As the world of social media goes, you usually see amazing power couples on there. They’re killing it with amazingly thoughtful acts of love and teamwork. These couples are seemingly what dreams are made of. Everyone is content and making the most out of their situation. No one is bitter or blamey. Happy times shared with little ones, extended families, friends and each other. Posts of appreciation for their partner who is mutually smitten. Kumbaya.
We all know that this is the nature of the beast when we’re talking about social media. You only see the pretty stuff. But it’s still hard not to compare yourself and feel like you’re coming up short.
2. The No-Longer Couple
On the other side, you also may see the couples that are actually now non-couples. They just couldn’t work it out and typically these posts are subtly or indirectly shared months AFTER they threw in the towel. At this point, you notice it’s been a while since you’ve seen posts of the couple gushing with affection. After a quick (or not so quick) cyber stalking stint that will leave you dying to know what happened, you are now clear on the fact that they are no longer together and feeling a little more normal about your struggles. Or more worried.
Where Are The In Betweeners?
Seldom do you hear of the struggles of those who are still in it, fighting to get through it and figuring it out. We need more of that. But of course, I know why we don’t get it.
Speaking of hearing of other relatable situations…
Relationship Troubles After a Baby is Normal
Unfortunately, a lot of couples face challenges after they have a baby. It’s totally normal. Your whole life and relationship are adjusting to a new way.
You won’t relate to everyone’s challenges but surely someone out there can relate to you.
Again, I get the taboo. I also subscribe to it.
Maybe eventually I can find a way to share my struggles in a way that is productive or helpful for readers.
But I can’t help but think of the what ifs of moms sharing and relating (aside from the negatives). Would it help put things into perspective? Would it save you from spiraling? Comfort you? Rile you up?
If You’re Looking for Some Light Reading on the Subject
A few months ago I reviewed a fictional book about a couple whose relationship was really going through it after they had a baby. The author incorporated actual situations of real-life people. It’s called Fights You’ll Have After Having A Baby: A Self-Help Story.
I breezed through it. It soothed my bitter heart with relatable little interactions between partners that fill up your day.
And best of all, there were researched, inspirational pieces of advice sprinkled throughout the book that really instill hope.
If you have any experiences, wisdom or hope to share on the subject, please comment below. It’s anonymous and no judgmental or shaming comments will be authorized.
#NormalizeLoveStruggleAfterBaby ❤
I understand this post more than anything! Around the 8 month pregnant mark I began to feel miserable in ways I can’t describe. My adoring husband did his best to sympathize and understand, but obviously couldn’t fully know. When my son was born he was an extremely high needs baby compared to how my daughter was. Very needy, cried constantly, colicky, non-sleeper. It was essentially a nightmare experience. We struggled for nearly 7 months which seemed never ending with him not sleeping for more than 2 or 3 hours a night and screaming all day. This put a damper on so many things. No sleep = No one is happy. Also the world doesn’t stop when you get no sleep so it makes things even worse. Needless to say we had some ups and downs due to sleep deprivation. Long story short he is heading toward is 8 month mark, sleeps through the night, quietly plays and cuddles all day, and everyone is much happier! There is always light at the end of the tunnel if you can be patient with each other.
Thanks for sharing! Sorry for the lengthy comment. Lol
I love your long comment! ?
I’m so glad to hear you made it through! Thanks for sharing your experience.
it is really interesting, i don’t have kids yet but i feel you
Hopefully knowing what to expect on the other side helps out when you get there ?
It really does change so much when baby comes. My husband and I were together nearly 15 years before having our first and we STILL learned things about each other especially in the first year, the infant year. Communication is so key! Love this article, your honesty, and getting a conversation started about it. SO needed for so many.
Thank you so much for the positive words of understanding. It’s a relief to see that kind of response.?
i can understand this, especially after more than one baby and having many young children close together in age.