I’ll tell you what I did and then I’ll tell you why it’s a big deal.
Today I meditated…for the first time since I gave birth.
Why is it a big deal?
It’s a huge step in reclaiming myself and my life. I’ve put the title “mother” before “self” in many instances and have been struggling to find the balance -among the other “hats” that I wear. It’s not surprising though, because another human life depends primarily on me for her survival. That’s a lot of pressure but also takes up a lot of mental space. I remember when I took my first shower and no one else was home but the baby and I. I was mortified, scared she would fall (out of her bassinet) during her nap, afraid she would wake and be scared when she didn’t see a familiar face. Added to all of this, there was a child screaming outside my bathroom window during the entire shower. I just KNEW it was my baby. I kept thinking, “it’s not TOO bad if she cries for a minute” as I hurriedly washed suds off my body. I had never heard a child scream before or after that shower. It was a lot.
And as you can see from day 8, even sex was an interesting arrangement because she slept in the room with us. There were times at where I wondered if she would hear us and wake up, would she be startled by the unfamiliar sounds, would she need to feed….et cetera et cetera.
There’s just a myriad of ways a child consumes mental space – adding to the emotional, psychological, physical, spaces. I even worry about if she’s breathing if she naps too long. I’m worried if she will overheat if she’s swaddled in a blanket during the hot summer months. Again, a lot of mental space.
This meditation was MONUMENTAL for me. I learned this chant at the top of this year and had been doing a chanting meditation for a few months while I was pregnant. Once the baby came, that went right out the window. My attention drastically shifted. But today, it felt good to free my mind and go inward. I was able to observe my mind again. I lost track of time and space. When I arose from my meditation, I had to get reacquainted with my apartment. I was GONE. It felt GREAT.
It was an exercise in letting go and also trusting my daughter’s ability to be OK without my eyes on her. As if my supervision is her lifeline. lol.
This meditation was a total win for me in re-establishing my routine, as Janine. I am she before I am anything else to anyone else.
I look forward to the time when I introduce her to meditation.
PS: the chant is “Hrim Shrim Klim Parameshwari Swaha” and it roughly translates to “ Salutations to the Supreme Feminine. May that abundant principle that hides the nature of ultimate reality be attracted to me, and reveal the true nature of reality to me.” I was so accustomed to saying Ohm (also Sanskrit) in my meditation but I wanted to know other Sanskrit mantras and this one resonated with me at the time. I say it 108 times (similarly to this soundcloud link). The importance of 108 explained here.